'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
There was Santa again, on his annual journeys,
Ensnared in a group of eight tiny attorneys.
They looked pretty grim and they threatened to sue,
So we knew in a flash--"It's the ACLU!"
They paid us no heed but went straight to their work,
Handcuffing poor Santa, then said with a smirk:
"This is secular airspace, we can't have a saint
Flying our flight paths--we need some restraint.
A sleigh full of toys is OK, we suppose,
But faith-based incursions we've got to oppose."
Litigation on Christmas is something we dread,
So we nestled our children all under their bed.
The Grinch doesn't scare them, and Scrooge they see through,
But what kids are prepared for the ACLU?
The reindeer were shackled as a further incitement,
Then the lawyers unpackaged a 12-count indictment.
"Merry Christmas to all!" they just had to foreclose
(Though they had no complaint about all the "Ho, ho's").
One lawyer objected to Santa's red clothing.
"It's religiously tainted," he said with some loathing.
"Poinsettias (the red ones) everybody must note, are
A church-state offense in St. Paul, Minnesota!"
Santa's climb up each chimney (one lawyer made mention)
Is a symbolic reference to Jesus's Ascension.
And the reindeer, of course, recall the Apostles,
And those who deny it are nothing but fossils.
These lawyers had labored at neighborhood schools,
Making Christmas extinct there as part of the rules.
Praise Kwanzaa or Ramadan--they think it's quite splendid,
But say "Merry Christmas" and you could get suspended.
Our children, God bless them, don't get or recall
Why "inclusiveness" doesn't include them at all,
Why diversity theory (as the lawyers insist) must
Require the annual quashing of Christmas.
In Canada, home of post-everything living,
Now "The 12 Days of Christmas" are "The 12 Days of Giving."
Christmas trees aren't part of their season at all.
They buy "multicultural trees" at the mall.
At a hospital (Catholic) the staff is ashamed
To use the word Christmas, so their tree is misnamed
As a "care tree," though some would prefer "tree of life."
(Why not "tall lit-up flora" to avoid any strife?)
Australians were told they should have no compunctions
Calling parties at Christmastime "end-of-year functions."
The idea is to make Christmas somehow unmentionable,
A tactic I think of as wholly contemptible.
Instead of "White Christmas," they will probably sing
"I'm dreaming of a snow day some time in pre-spring."
Here's my suggestion, a harsh one I fear,
Why not call Christmas "Christmas"? (It's just an idea.)
And finally, my Christmas card to all my readers. In the past I've only sent it to those I'm closest with, but I wanted to give this to everyone this year. Enjoy.