Sunday, December 25, 2005
Dec. 25, 11:25 PM (CT)

SAN FRANCISCO (RWRM News) - Santa Clause was arrested early Sunday morning by San Francisco Police at the behest of the ACLU. The jolly fat man known the world over for bringing presents to good little boys and girls was arrested Christmas morning on charges of instigating a riot when citizens of San Francisco began to burn cars and destroy private property upon hearing Mr. Claus reciting, "Ho, Ho, Ho, Merry Christmas".

"I was incensed" said one woman. "How dare he say something like that. Chri... Chris... I can't even say it. All I know is it offended me and my children".

Anthony RomeroSaid Anthony Romero, ACLU Executive Director, "This is a great day for freedom. This Mr. Claus has been going around the world spreading his religious hatespeech far too long. We will not sit idly by and let people say the 'C' word like this. It must be stopped. We plan to take this matter to the highest court in the land. Mr. Kringle must be stopped".

After hearing about the arrest children all over the world began to cry. Mrs. Sarah Stephens, mother of three, said "We depend on Santa. We can't afford to buy our children toys for Christmas and he wasn't able to make it to our house this year. What are we to do now?" Upon hearing this, Mr. Romero was quoted as saying, "Too bad. Contact the government. That's what they're there for. To take care of us".

Mr. Kringle was said to be just finishing up at an orphanage when the police nabbed him.

Santa Mugshot"This is bullshit," said Santa about his arrest. "I've never heard of such trumped up charges in my life. This is just another example of the Neo-Libs trying to force their views on the rest of the country. Kids, don't worry, Santa will beat this. MERRY CHRISTMAS...MERRY CHRISTMAS".

Mr. Kringle's lawyer, Alan Thomas, rushed to his defense. "Mr. Claus is innocent of all charges", he said during a press conference. "The ACLU and the city of San Francisco are trying to silence a man for doing only one thing. Exorcising his first amendment right. This travesty of justice will be rectified. Christmas will not be stopped". Upon saying that Mr. Thomas was then arrested himself.

"This has gotten out of hand", said one man who wishes to remain anonymous for fear of reprisal. "This whole anti-Christmas sentiment that's sweeping though this country has gone too far. I was too scared to even put up lights this year. My children were threatened by their school mates just last week for bringing candy canes to class".

Ms. Heather Fong, San Francisco Chief Of Police, refused to return our calls. But Officer Thomas Hall said, "That old man sure can put up a fight. He took three of our best before we were able to subdue him".

Blitzen and Comet were said to inconsolable after the arrest. But Dasher had this to say, "Santa will not be in jail for long. I guarantee that. This injustice will not stand. FIGHT THE POWER!!!".


Greta (Hooah Wife) said...

Thank goodness he finished delivering presents first! Very funny Chris!

Jake said...

Finally, this menace has been brought to justice.

Next up, The Easter Bunny.